My Life As A Cry Baby

Holy shit internet.

I appear to be having some kind of breakdown.
We had a Mums' meeting yesterday to assess our priories with the wedding (now 12 weeks away) and it all just suddenly got on top of me. I feel like I'm doing so much and it's all just landing nowhere.
I'm also in the process of applying for my own job at work. They want me to go permanent but, in order to do so, I have to apply externally. The trouble is, I have discovered that lots of other people are applying for it too which means.... If this goes badly, I may lose my job right before my wedding.

Also, my general ill health thing has been a lot worse lately so I am incredibly exhausted and under the weather at the moment, not to mention nauseous all day, every day.

And let me tell you, now the heat wave has disappeared, I just look like a massive prick walking around in work with my giant anti-nausea sunglasses on *facepalm*

Aaaaaaanyway, back to my impending breakdown, I don't really know what it's about but every time I am alone I just burst out crying. And I don't just mean a little teary moment now and then; I mean a full on, hand on chest, snot all over your face, gasping for air SOB-FEST.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I am not the kind of woman that gets upset because we need to put more wine and soft drinks on the tables and because the seal wax hasn't been delivered to the house yet. But everything just feels so overwhelming lately and it's turning me into a fucking cry baby.

I'm trying to work, hit the gym, plan this damn wedding, cope with my illness and deal with getting through all of this without my dad.

I just keep thinking about my poor mum shelling out all this money and the costs and bills never end. I feel so sick all the time and am wondering if maybe a big shindig isn't appropriate now my daddy isn't here any more.

My mum is so little and she's very stressed and not well and it just feel horrible putting this responsibility on her when she already has so much to deal with..

Don't get me wrong, Bob's family are helping too. I just feel so guilty that my Mum is all alone and doing this. It feels wretched. It literally kept me up last night and I could not stop crying. Right now it seems as though I'm having this massive party and making my little widowed mummy shoulder the majority of the financial burden :(

I am a monster.

A big hairy beary bastard that wants all the things and doesn't care about the repercussions. Or at least it feels that way today.

Right. I'm going to go put my head in toilet now.

Yours,

Conflicted Bride

My Life As An Imposter
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